Well, here I am. Sitting here at my computer desk writing out my journal entry for my thriteenth month in recovery and I have nothing positive to say about it. I have come to the realization that I am falling back into old habits.
I am relapsing.

This is something that I'm having great struggles with. I can't understand how its gotten this bad again. I have begun to think about thinning myself out to a very dangerous level and I feel like I am falling fast. At this time, I feel like I don't know who I am or what I should be doing. I feel like someone close to me has died and I think I know who that person is. I think a part of me is dying because of this relapse. I feel like such a failure, like such a loser. How could I fall back into 'her' plan? How could I let these thoughts consume my mind once again? I must be such an idiot. I have limited myself to two meals a day and no more. And while I am not so far gone to where I deny myself candy or sweets, I have noticed a great change in my eating habits.

Perhaps it's my own fault for not writing in depth about it on this journal. Perhaps I should have expressed that I was beginning to feel 'her' talking to me again. Maybe then I would have noticed sooner and nipped it in the bud. But now I'm facing the fact that I need to eat more. To get rid of these thoughts I need to eat more. But I can't help but be scared. What if I gain weight? I hate it. It's such a horrid vicious circle.
The sane part of me knows that eating an extra apple a day will not cause a gain in weight but the sick side of me believes whole-heartedly that it will. It leaves me so confused, so at-odds with myself. I have no idea who I am. Am I this sick, crazy person? Or am I sane enough to fight it off? I feel like it could go either way. The first time she infected my mind she took so much away from me. My sane thoughts, my kindness, my empathy, my courage, and most of all my memories. She made me into such a hateful person. She made me hurt so many friends and family. How could I let her become me? And the fact that it is happening again terrifies both me and my family.
My Mom has already delcared that she will NOT allow me to become 60lbs again. Before that will happen she's going to send me to the hospital and I do not blame her. I don't want to become that way again. I have far too much to lose this time...

I'm scared. I feel like the only way I can allow myself to eat anything beyond my 'safe foods' is if I am on my deathbed. If I am 60lbs and skelecal in appearence, then it's okay for me to eat. But not now. I feel like I have to fall down and walk with a cane before I can allow myself to eat what I want, when I want. But I can't get that way again. But I feel like there is a huge white wall right in my face, blocking my way from who I used to be. I want so badly to beat this down and get away from 'her'.

Right now I don't know what I am to do. I feel like updating on my thirteenth recovery date should be a happy one, but all I feel right now is that I am a big fat failure. I need help. More than ever.

Excuse my long absence everyone. As far as I'm conserned I've let you all down in a great way. I'm sorry.